Pardon the lack of sophistication in our artwork (Done by my brother in return for a couple of vada paws…err…how do we spell it?) Well if you think you can do better or work for less. Please let us know😀
Auto drivers now top the most hated list in the city ahead of cops who have jumped over the terrorists in the city’s hate rankings. Here’s the updated top 10 of whom mumbaikar’s hate the most:
1) Auto Drivers.
2) Mumbai Police
4) Shobha De
5) Chetan Bhagat’s new book.
6) Onion prices.
7) Saki Naka junction
8) ‘Your neighbour’
9) Abhishek Bachhan’s facial expressions
10) Arnab Goswami’s meaningful pauses on the 9 ‘o clock news
If you feel that we have missed out on something or if you disagree, please leave a comment.
Looking back at my first year spent in an office, I have parted with my err…not so valuable time, and expended monstrously insignificant amounts of energy in order to learn the trade. Here’s what I learnt:
CASE STUDY : Who screwed up and why.
WHITE PAPER: A hypothetical solution to a fictional problem.
PRESENTATION: Confusing people so that they don’t ask questions to which you don’t have answers
MANUAL: Detailed instructions on how to screw things up.
BROCHURE: A list of features that you won’t get. Also a document where nouns are verbs.
CALL: A tirade of abuse and impertinent questions.
CONFERENCE CALL: A call with multiple contestants.
DEMO: Live feed of things that don’t work.
MEETING: An event where the minutes are kept and hours are lost.
DEADLINE: The start date for your project
FEEDBACK: All the stuff that’s wrong for no explicable reason. It just is.
INCENTIVE: Free coffee.
BONUS : A few biscuits to with the coffee.
VALUABLE RESOURCE : Cheap labour
Tomato Sauce a.k.a (Ketchup): If used on anything good or anything with taste will turn it instantly to shit.
When used on shit, it improves the taste immensely and makes the food edible.
Cheese is not a vegetable. It does not grow on trees. People (well I mean cows) who order stuff with extra cheese and think that it is the best topping ever, should sell their houses and go to live in a barn and marry cows.
The ‘Jeera’ dishes in Indian restaurants. For 20 bucks more you get 5 grains of jeera added to your original dish, and anybody who spends money on that has absolutely no idea of food or finance.
Dunking is eternally stupid and for the uneducated. People who dunk their donuts or biscuits should be fed nothing but paste or stuff that’s soggy all their lives. Infact they should be fed through tubes.
Anything on the menu that is unpronounceable will be inedible as well.
People who like to hang out at coffee shops do so only because they can’t afford air con at home. Obviously they always go home and drink their coffee, because they can’t afford the coffee at the cafe either.
The only food item available in franchise restaurants is processed lard and this is true for all franchises. The tastiest thing at McDonalds is the Joker and the tastiest thing at Pizza Hut is the mustard sauce.
Recently two British tourists were sent back from LA. The officials were screening their social media accounts and found on twitter that one of them had posted on Facebook ‘destroy America’ a slang in Britain for partying. The officials alerted the authorities and they were put on the returning flight.
Here in India too the government has taken these internet giants to court, alleging that they promote racial hatred and provide a haven for anti-social elements. I wonder if they have ever listened to their own campaigning speeches?
But that’s not the point here. More and more governments, run by more and more idiots voted to power by other idiots see the internet as the new ground zero for terrorism. It’s become a priority, they are even devoting resources to intercept and read mails (which are mostly wives swapping recipes, or teenagers swapping pictures) never-mind that out in the real world people are walking about bandying AK47s and shoving them in our faces.
The digital world needs policing! Freaking idiots, no one lives there and nobody pays any attention. That’s why its so great, people can vent some spleen online and then get about their business in the real world. I am afraid if people aren’t allowed to do that, they might decide to come out on the streets and do it.
That was precisely why the UN was made. It was a forum for countries to abuse each other in a civilized manner getting two elderly gentlemen to sort it out, rather than take all the trouble to raise taxes buy a few tanks and have a shooting match.
Unfortunately it looks like the idiots are going to win the war. Not a surprise because they outnumber us by a lot. Facebook is even going to customize home pages to suit each countries needs.
Here is what personalized home pages might look like
- Facebook USA:
Like (option available only for comments made by self), Defcon 4, Air Strike.
- Facebook India:
Like, Comment, Condemn,Demand an apology( function not available for US posts).
- Facebook Pakistan:
Sulk, Comment, Threaten coup, Declare anarchy
- Facebook China:
Dislike, Silence, Post Tianamen square video (you tagged as the one under the tank)
- Facebook France:
Turn up nose, Raise white flag, Try to pass a bill to make you illegal
- Facebook Israel :
Victimize Self, Launch Anti-Iran propaganda, Destroy relief/aid ship
- Facebook Iran:
Condemn West, Stop oil supply, Bomb Israel, Bomb Israel, Bomb Israel
- Facebook Tibet:
Meditate, Immolate Self in protest
- Facebook Italy:
Like, Abuse, Call the mob
- Facebook Greece:
Sit on your ass, Declare Strike, Mismanage Funds
- Facebook UK :
Agree to US post, Send friend request to the commonwealth
- Facebook Spain:
Sleep, Siesta, Take a nap
If you guys don’t hear from me again, it’s probably because I have been deported or imprisoned for defamation and inciting racial hatred or something to that effect. So thank you for reading.
Living on my own for years, I have subjected myself to a wide range of atrocities in day-to-day life but nothing compares to the quest for finding a meal that doesn’t leave one constipated.
It’s easy for a med student you get to eat what you dissected earlier in the day, just add some pepper and cinnamon. What if you aren’t a med student? An art student can’t eat paint, for an engineer wires and steel girders are difficult to digest and numbers are difficult to chew for accountants even.
You can’t eat in the mess because it is exactly what it sounds like a mess. It’s impossible to get something that doesn’t look and taste like Bear Gryll’s lunch. There’s no use sending it back either, I did send it back and speak with the ‘head chef’, who was scratching his bottom while preparing a steaming hot culinary adventure as he called it, we thought it looked more like a dead rat. We were proven wrong the following morning though, an adventure it was when we spent the next week running all over the campus clutching your backside and trying to find the nearest washroom…in time.
Most of these caterers are tenured, a standard University policy. The Professors however are expendable. These brilliant nutrition architects can make fifty different cuisines from an onion peel and some water. They have pushed the envelope and sometimes broken barriers for man with their greatest ally Mr. Potato. The feats that they can accomplish with that tuber is nothing short of astonishing, I mean who would have thought that a potato can be turned into a weapon of chaos, reducing 500 healthy humans to a pile of helpless, useless and a weeping mass of bodies.
So, we looked ‘outside’ for more palatable options. Now I have classified these places into three categories. First ‘the tapri’ , the second is one of the thousand places all indistinguishable from the other with similar sounding names you might be forgiven for thinking that they are part of a chain of restaurants. You know the place; it’s where you receive your plates precisely an hour before any food will be served. The third would be the ‘I want to impress you with napkins and fourteen different kinds of forks and spoons’, but sadly this is not a place you can go too because dinner here costs a little more than a trip to the moon.
I would like to have the satisfaction of knowing what I eat, which is exactly what the ‘tapri’ offers. The reason you know this is that you actually have to buy the raw ingredients from the nearest grocer and give it to them to cook, or in most cases burn. The ‘second’ is the place where no matter what you ordered on the menu will all taste the same because they all have this huge vat where gravy is made four days prior and whatever vegetable you have asked is just put in it. As for the ‘third’ well we don’t quite know what the food tastes like because after selling our house we could only afford a bottle of water.
Some say that these places (third type) use science to create exotic flavours. To be more specific they use ‘molecular gastronomy’. It sounds like you would be breaking wind instead of breaking bread. Call me a bit naïve, but I would not like to eat something that has been created in a test tube where they have been making hydrogen sulphide. And gastronomy that’s the best name that they could come up with? Who thought that on hearing the word Gas-tro-no-my someone would be licking his lips and saying “Yeah I want some of that, sounds lovely.”?
A far cry from its predecessor’s and a completely unnecessary addition to the Bane series, Drew Karpyshyn goes on procrastinating the duel between Master and apprentice which should have ended with his 2nd work.
We start 10 years after the events at Ambria, with Bane now aging and unsure about the will of his apprentice to wrestle away the Mantle of the dark lord from him. To prevent the Sith from dying in their infancy Bane starts his hunt for eternal life and a new apprentice.
The character of Set seem like cardboard cutouts more than anything else, and the reader can make out really that he is of no consequence to the story despite Karpyshyn’s best efforts.
The Huntress, the future apprentice does not seem nearly half as formidable as Zannah or Bane despite her many talents, Karpyshyn should have made her far more intimidating and powerful.
Karpyshyn seems to have written himself between a rock and a hard place, he’s made Bane out stronger of the two, and has grown to like his character as a result Zannah never comes off as Bane’s equal and yet he has to kill Bane to follow the rule of two, the only reason for to prolong the final confrontation between Master and apprentice would be to let Bane win and start afresh, but that would have rendered the previous book unnecessary which ironically is what he ends up doing with this one by letting Zannah win in the end (which was the obvious outcome of the series) there really was no need for 300 more odd pages for that.